I'm grumpy today.  I was probably mislead last night by someone I thought was always honest with me. Grrrrrrrr. 
Honestly I can't worry about that right now.
I've got a paper to write and a final exam to study for, I'm really looking forward to a break from school.  I need a break from Nashville.


Completely unrelated note: Seriously, who wants to work for Diddy? He's an insane megalomaniac.  I'm going to run my own shit, not be his bitch.

Tonight I dreamed that I was in Iraq.  I wasn't a soldier, I was just a normal person visiting the first McDonald's in Iraq, run by a hardworking Iraqi woman who was frustrated but hopeful. I wished her the best as I left the building to meet my parents. My father opened the car and put the key in the ignition, then all of us suspecting a car bomb ran away from the car as quickly as possible. The car did indeed explode but we survived and tried to draw a few others to safety with us.

Psychologically, I know what this dream represents for me.  There are times when I feel like my life is chaos and I'm just doing my best to survive.  Hopefully I'll help a few people a long the way and be kind to others.  Perhaps that's really all we can ask.

Politically, this dream served as a reminder to me of how lucky I am.  I woke up from my dream but that is reality for millions of people in Iraq and Afghanistan, natives and soldiers, men and women and children.   When was the last time you saw something on the news about the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan?

No, I'll wait.


Exactly. I am just as guilty of "war fatigue" as the rest of America. I've chosen to focus almost exclusively on the "horse race" element of the 2008 campaign. That's a mistake.
We must be vigilant that we don't forget the reasons this election is "historic" and a "change election" (whatever that means, every election is by definition a change election). If we stay focused on the reasons we need change in this country as opposed to the game of politics, I have no doubt we will be triumphant in November.

 So I had a hangover today, but not just any kind of hangover. It is what one of my favorite people informed me was an "existential hangover".   You know the kind that not only comes with a headache but feelings of guilt, remorse, shame, and general confusion over the meaning of one's life.  
I was a bad, bad girl. I behaved poorly. I let my emotions get the better of me. I said things I should not have said. I just disappointed myself with my absolutely ludicrous behavior.  ( Don't worry I didn't go to jail or do anything illegal) I suppose there are many things bottled up inside me that just come to the front at the worst possible times.  I have a lot of anger that I don't deal with. I don't even tap into it it's so deeply subconcious.  I just push it down, but it always ALWAYS comes bubbling back up. Usually in an unhealthy manner.  I'm currently pondering what to do about it.  How do I address things, ways of behavior that are so deeply rooted in my psyche that I don't even realize I'm doing it.  Freud would say I have highly developed defense mechanisms. 
Apparently just saying "I'm not going to be angry." is not enough.  Tonight, I'm thinking about what's next.

I must say it's encouraging that he is winning all these states. I've decided that I am refocusing my Ph.D program preference to schools in  states that went for Obama.  Which means Hello! Washington and Colorado, See Ya New York and California!  
I really think the fact that he is doing well in red and purple states continues to prove my point that he is a more viable candidate in the general election.

I've cried every day since Wednesday. 

I say this only to talk about working your way through things when life gets hard. Friends have often called me reselient.  They've often said " You seem to bounce back from everything so quickly. How do you do it?" 
 Well here's my technique: 
 My crying usually hits me first thing in the morning, or right before I go to bed.  It's normal to feel unhappy sometimes. 
I let myself cry for a minute or two. I acknowledge the feeling then I say to myself  "Alright, you've felt that. Now get up and feel something else."  That  "something else" can be anything else at all. "Hungry" " Gotta Pee" etc. just whatever the next step in my day might be.  
The next thing I do once I've gotten my mind on "something else" is breathe and think of something that I am thankful for that day.  It might be " my good friends" or "the roof over my head" or " sugar free cranberry juice" whatever. I try to make a list of five things that are blessings in my life. 
Then I put on some music, something upbeat and positive, favorites are Kirk Franklin, Kim English, but it can be whatever works for you. The only thing it CAN'T be is something that takes you back to whatever is hurting you.  

By this time you should be doing much better.  

If you can:  add taking a walk, or whatever form of working out you prefer next.  The endorphines and hormones you release during exercise are scientifically proven to beat back the blues.  OR
read something uplifting The Bible, a positive story, biography of someone you admire. You don't have to read the whole thing sometimes just a page will do. 

If I get hit by this in the middle of the day, I use some modified version of this, whatever I can do at the moment. 

And just like shampoo, repeat as necessary. 

I've cried everyday since Wednesday, but everyday it's been a little bit less.  Before you know it my tears will be gone. 

If something is troubling you today, be strong, and remember this too shall pass, it's always darkest before the dawn, and that which doesn't kill you will only make you stronger.  Cliches, yes, but true.  

Well, the results are in from my personal MMPI-2 test, and the conclusion is.....

I am terribly, horribly, incredibly, Well adjusted.  

Yup, I'm normal.  Despite family problems, I'm decidely free of pathology.  The funny thing is that I was convinced I would get my test results back and they would immeadiately send me to the psych ward. But nope, the test reflected exactly how I've been feeling lately which is just fine! 

This semester I'll be doing a lot of personality tests. I'm currently studying objective personality analysis. This means I will literally be taking a battery of psychological tests. By the end of the next four months I'll be as tested as your average serial killer, or  psychologist in training.  Already, it's an errrrr, difficult process.  I'm very aware of perception, and I am tempted to game the system.  I mean do I really want to answer questions like " Have you enjoyed smoking marijuana?", " Have you engaged in unusual sexual practices?" " Have you been drunk or high in the last week?"

Still, I've got to be honest with myself if I'm going to understand how these tests are suppose to work.  Besides personality tests are fun, until they tell you you're a sociopath or borderline schizophrenic anyway.

If you're pretty sure you aren't crazy try some self discovery yourself  at:

http://similarminds.com/

I recommend the 16PF, it's quick and reveals lots of different traits.