I still believe in love. I believe in God. I believe in his love. I do hope one day I'll find a man that is true, stable, and gives me the love I deserve. But if it never happens that way, I'll be just fine. There will still be joy in my life.

In a completely unrelated note, why must my mother tell me stories of how much other people are suffering. I understand other people are suffering, but I don't think being sad over a personal betrayal is selfish or self absorbed. Can't I hear about the women in Africa later?

So winter solstice is approaching. This means I am feeling pretty bad. It's not so much that I'm in a full on depression, or that I am physically sick. No, it's more like I am in a continual struggle not to be in either of those states. This is how it usually is for me at this time of year. The Winter Blues. Seasonal Affective Disorder. Whatever you would like to call it. For me, this time of year the darkness follows me. It seems always with me from the moment I wake up until I go to bed.

Philadelphia is not a safe city.

This makes the sense of darkness even worse. People don't leave their homes after dark. Very few people walk on the streets after seven, which is sort of amazing for a city of over 5 million people. The doors are locked. The windows are shut. The blinds are closed.

I have no windows in my office. I sit in a room from 9 to 5, listening to stories of sadness , confusion, pain or doing a seemingly endless pile of paperwork. I sit alone. I sit in artificial light. Literally feeling like there is no escape from the prison that I have chosen.

This year the darkness is tinged with a new emotion. RAGE.

I am so incredibly angry. Like I am being strangled, by some vicious, unseen force desperate to literally crush the life force out of my body.

I am so angry. Despite being for the first time, in a long time, maybe ever, really loved by a man. I feel like he is my life support right now. He doesn't even know it I don't think, but his presence is like life support. It has quite literally kept me breathing.

Because there are times I wake up in the middle of the night and I can not breathe or see or think, and all I can feel is a crushing weight on my chest.
I am so angry because I feel as if I have struggled for so long. Struggled to stay alive, stuggled to thrive, to pay bills, I have never feared work. I have never avoided my duty. I have gone the extra mile. Miles. I feel like I have done everything I can think of and it JUST...WON'T...STOP. Not a moment to breathe. I just wanted something a little better.

And so I question everything. My intention. My profession. My choices. How did I create this monster? How can I stop it?
If I didn't create this, why does it seem like all of these forces fight me every day. And I feel like a child, angry and bewildered and frightened because I just don't know what to do. So I keep trying, and I feel like I have felt this way, and fought this battle my whole life.

For now, I just try to remind myself that the darkness will go away as it always does. I just have to be patient. I just have to endure. The light will come back. But so will, the darkness. The darkness always comes back, too.

NOTE: Pandora is either reading my livejournal, or God has a great IPod as the song that just came on is so appropriate. It gives me a belief in a higher order to the universe.

I spent about three years of my life working towards becoming a counselor. I have a Master's degree. I am really quite good at my job. It's my calling.

I was not born wealthy. I write this to explain that I have to support myself. No one else is available to support me, I have always known the truth. I have family that I can live with however the rent is paid in my mental health. Also money.

In any case, I have to make enough money to pay my bills, get out of debt, maybe save some away for a rainy day. My current vocation makes this pretty much impossible. I literally pray I don't get sick. It's quite simply not an option for me since I don't have any health insurance.

Pause.

I just listened to RuPaul's new song Glamazon. Why? Cause I needed to stop being a cloudy bear.

You know what this post was going to be about how hard everything is going to be. That's when I remembered something...I rock! I've done it before. I've worked and gone to school and had a social life and paid my bills. I can and I will.
That is all for now.

My relationship status changed on facebook. Woooo!!! Let the parade begin! This is THE BIGGEST DEAL EVER!!!
OK, not really.
However, it is sort of a big deal to me. I have been "single" despite dating many, many men since the inception of facebook. (And I was there in the early days)

However, I never felt any real commitment from many of them. We were always "seeing" each other. I accepted that for a lot of reasons for a long time. Then I just started to think I'd be single forever.

So when in fact I wasn't anymore, this announcement wasn't so much for all my facebook buddies and the public in general. This announcement was important to me. Basically, saying " OK, I am going to link myself to someone else and not keep my options open. I'm not going to have one foot out the door. I'm not going to worry that he has one out there."

Risky.
I feel more secure than I have in a long time.
Huh...I'll have to think about that some more.

The banner ads that are currently on my LJ are for Singles dating site plentyoffish.com, and for Income Assure, which is "supplemental unemployment insurance". And ain't that a sign of the times, companies looking to make bucks on the continued layoff to the point that most people feel like its inevitable: like death and taxes.

The last year of my life was all about finding a job, and being single.

But now, finally, finally, I feel like my life is moving forward. Sure living in Philly is a huge transition and I've been bitching about the daily annoyances of culture shock on Facebook. Still, slowly, oh, so, slowly I am meeting new people. I'm getting more familiar with the city. It's much different as an adult than it was as a kid.

I have minor moments of anxiety, I think based on a fear that "Oh what if I get stuck again? or things take a turn for the worse? What will I do? I'll be ruined. Destitute!" OK, maybe not so minor. Still, I usually just breathe, or call my best girlfriends to talk me off the ledge and remind me that yes, Vandy, there are still people who love you.
And I survived losing pretty much everything besides my health and a few good friends. Even if it were to happen again, I believe I could get through it.
Like many Americans, in this era of corporate destruction of the American dream, I can fight the power with my vote. But also, I seem to have shifted fundamentally in my thinking about what is important to creating a happy life. Perhaps this is just the European-ization of America. We were an adolescent country dreaking of being super stars forever, now we are moving towards smaller. Hopefully, we can use this moment in history to create something more sustainable. Sometimes CNN, MSNBC, Salon gets me down but don't worry guys there's stil hope!

Alright so it's hot as hell in most of the country. I'm living in the city, and let me tell you I forgot why it gets so hot and uncomfortab;e and everyone up in Philly complains. These folks do not understand air conditioning. AIR CONDITIONING!!!! Not a small room air conditioner and a fan. I feel like I'm in Europe all over again. I know the air conditioning is bad for the environment, and apparently the hot weather is great for my waist line. Still, I like to be cool. It keeps me from sweating which I do.

In other news, I found a great place to play poker, and like an oasis in the desert, a group of nice, friendly, diverse people. With cheap food and drink, and clean bathrooms! Huzzah!

Man, I'm still missing Nashville. When is this going to end for me? When will I embrace where I am instead of where I want to be? I'm trying. I really am. I guess it ends when I decide it ends. I haven't decided it yet.

I only have enough money to get to class two of the three days I need to be there this week.

I know that the past year has been a recession story like many, many other Americans. You know, I really believe that the game is forever changed for Americans. I came of age in the sky's the limit 90's. Everyone believed if you went to a good school, had great skills, you were going to make great money. You'd be able to buy a home, a nice car, and have some nice vacations, raise a family. The American dream. When I got accepted to Vanderbilt, I felt like I'd been handed a golden ticket. All I had to do was be good and follow the rules.

The American dream is dead. I wish it weren't so. I don't blame Obama or The Shrub. This is merely the culmination of many changes globally. And of course, greed. The American empire probably was going to have to decline at some point. It doesn't matter that I wish it wasn't during my prime.
Most of my friends (especially the ones who weren't born with silver spoons in their mouths) have crushing student loan debts, parents and other family members in financial distress.

So, my goal is merely to develop a lot of skills, work as much as I can and live as austerely as possible.
I've been developing a new appreciation for free things. The library. Health clinics. Parks. Art and exercise. I can't afford to go out to eat so I'm going to try to learn how to cook well, cheaply, and healthy at home. I'm also trying to downscale my lifestyle expectations. I still would like to own a home, but where I used to dream of a four bedroom with a backyard and a pool. Now, I dream of a two bedroom townhome with nice furniture, and a small mortgage with a low interest rate. That I can pay off in 15 years. I want to be as close to debt free as possible by 50.
I am trying to look at these changes as a reflection on the impermanence of so many things in life, as well as a need for many of us to examine what really has value and meaning for us. I feel like America is in some sort of karmic lesson for focusing so much of our energy on the material and the disposable. Maybe all these changes aren't a disaster but merely a correction...at least for folks like me.

Punch Drunk Love. That movie was actually painful to watch. And not in a good way. Like in a " I want the two hours of my life back that I wasted on this drivel!"

EHarmony's tag line for their advertising campaign is " EHarmony: Love Begins Here."

But I've got a far superior one. " EHarmony: When You're Done F!&cking Around."

Yes, folks, dysfunctional dating veteran Vandygoddess is venturing AGAIN into the world of online dating.
This being my blog, and this being me, if you read any of this you will know that I've been on a couple of dates in my life. More than a couple. Online dating has led to some of my funniest stories.
The funny stories were all courtesy of Match.com, OKCupid (OK Stupid is more like it), and Plentyoffish.com, oh and Craigslist (Yes, a sister went THERE, I will leave no stone unturned!)

I've used EHarmony before, and truth?, I met a few nice guys using it. Nothing earth shattering, but fundamentally decent people. I know that a lot of people have had their feelings hurt by eharmony's Letter of Doom. The letter stating that they didn't have anyone on their site, and quite frankly they didn't think they would you Freak!
However, as a psychologist and fundamentally decent human being myself, I actually appreciate EHarmony's filtering process. It is based on sound relationship research. EHarmony has their own research organization, but there is plenty of other research that supports similar people with similar lifestyles and values have strong relationships.
Let's face it, I'm never going to be happy with a quiet, homebody and a no fun, shut in wouldn't be happy with me, either.

So why the new tagline? Well, I joined once before when I was 26. I think I thought I was serious about commitment, but umm, no I was not. I was feeling footloose and fancy free. Interestingly, I didn't get a whole lot of matches at 26.
Today? Well, partially EHarmony changed their algorithim and relaxed standards a bit, BUT my inbox has been filled with a steady stream of 30 to 40 year old, good looking, well educated, single, professional men. Apparently the 30's are when things get real for all of us professional folks out here. I honestly am surprised at how many matches I've gotten that I said "Yeah, I'd go out on a date with him." I'm also surprised so many of them are on this eharmony site. Paying for it.
This tells me a couple of things. One EHarmony has done one hell of a good job in creating a site that a certain type of person is interested in, and willing to pay for the service. However, I think more interestingly, is that the professional life is not always conducive to meeting people in the world. Who can meet people when you just pulled 4 night shifts in the ER? Or you teach at a school and only meet people who are already married with kids? or you're in the lab 24/7 trying to bang out this dissertation?
This situation is not readily apparent when you are still in college, grad school pursuing the dream. It only becomes apparent when you get out in the field and you are working all the damn time trying to move up the professional ladder. If you didn't meet your significant other in college so you could bring them along, shit gets difficult.
So far, the thing I've learned from this new online dating adventure.

I am not alone.